Tourniquet
by Yaminoko-Jeichan
Summary: No longer a one-shot. Shuichi becomes suicidal and depressed after being unable to prevent Yuki from killing himself in New York. And though Hiro and Fujisaki try to help him through things, Tohma seems determined to never forgive Shuichi.
1. Chapter 1

**Tourniquet:**

He wasn't sure what possessed him to do it, the meaning behind it didn't exist in his mind—all he knew was he did it.

He cut. Cut deep across his wrist, enough that crimson liquid poured out and spilled on the linoleum; staining the white. Before he fell unconscious he thought he heard someone walk in and gasp.

He thought he felt someone wrap warm arms around him, but that had to be a dream, hadn't it? After all, who was there to care for him? Yuki? His love, his lover with an angelic yet cold face whose harshness left only when asleep or flirting with women?

His lover who kept kicking him out every time he somehow annoyed him? Who never had anything kind to say to him?

Yuki? No, it couldn't be.

So the arms around him were an illusion—but then who said the word 'ambulance' just before he passed out?

'Was it you, Yuki? Are you there, Yuki? I really need you now….' He cried in his thoughts searching for the warmth in those arms—so faint, so distant. 'Yuki, where are you? Your arms felt so warm, hold me some more….'

'Damn brat.'

'Yuki! You're there, thank god! I missed you so much! Why did you have to be so cold that last time? More than ever.' He cried again, his lover's face swimming in his unconscious thoughts. "I thought I lost you for good! Yuki! I love you, Yuki!'

The image of his lover smiled wistfully, eyes softening.

'I love you, brat.'

'Yu…ki…?' His eyes widened and he shivered. The image vanished—no, changed to a memory.

That day, in New York.

Yuki sitting in the abandoned apartment room, the gun in Yuki's hand. The gun…put to his lover's temple, his lover's finger on the trigger. A split second before it fired, Yuki noticed him and….

'Said those words… 'I love you, brat.'' His heart ached, crying mental tears. 'Yuki…why did you…?' Images of that day, how cold Yuki got, the blood. "Yuki! If you loved me, why?'

He sobbed, feeling weakness consuming him, pain on his wrist, everything blurring.

"Yuki."

"God, he's awake!" A familiar voice gasped in relief. He felt a hand grab hold of his. "Shuuichi! Are you all right, Shuuichi?"

"Hiro?" He whispered, eyesight blurry. "I want Yuki."

"Yu…god, Shuuichi, it's been almost three months…don't say…."

"I should've joined him."

"Don't say that, Shuu." Hiro's voice broke with sobs. "Please….don't…." 

"It's true…I can't live without him."

Hiro held tighter to Shuu's hand, tears streaming down his face.

"Shuuichi, please."

**A/N: End.**


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Originally this was to be a one shot, but I've decided to try to continue this story for at least a few chapters, maybe more. I'm not sure with who, but I'm planning on having Shuichi develop a relationship with someone in order to deal with Yuki's death._

**Tourniquet**

**Chapter Two:**

Three weeks flew by.

Shuichi sat by the window watching the curtain hanging motionless, like a rag-doll. Or a dream that stretched too far and collapsed under its own optimism.

Four months. Nearly four months since New York, since the funeral.

He shivered.

"Shuichi." Hiro called to his best friend while entering the room, and holding a breakfast tray. He approached the unresponsive singer. "Shuichi, it's time to eat."

Shuichi slowly turned his head toward Hiro and the tray.

"Why?" He whispered loud enough for Hiro to flinch; the tray shook in the guitarist's hands.

"Shu..." Hiro placed the tray on the floor beside his friend and knelt in front of him. Staring up at Shuichi, he took hold of the singer's shivering hands. "I want you to get better. So does Sakuma-san, and your family. Plus others at NG..."

"Why...?" Shuichi asked, tears falling down his cheeks as he closed his eyes. "Yuki...why didn't Yuki take me with him? Hiro...?"

Hiro squeezed his friend's hands, about to breakdown himself seeing Shuichi so distraught. All because of that novelist.

"...please Shuichi. Please. Yuki's gone. And he isn't coming back." Hiro hid his face in the singer's lap, unable to keep all his tears at bay. Nor could he hide his anger. "I don't know why he didn't...I...if he had I..."

Hiro ground his teeth and squeezed the hands he held tighter.

Four months ago the novelist had gone to New York and shot himself. In front of Shuichi.

That made it more unforgivable.

_'I told that bastard...if he ever made Shuichi cry, I'd...'_ He breathed heavily against his friend's lap, and bit back the sob threatening to escape his throat. _'This isn't fair...'_

"I'm sorry, Hiro." Shuichi mumbled, and tried forcing a smile on his face. Yet all he managed was a squiggly line of a smile and eyes filled with pain.

It hurt that Yuki was gone and it hurt that he caused his best friend so much worry. He didn't mean to, but he could help it.

It all just hurt.

The cuts on his wrists were healed, but the one on his heart kept festering. If he'd only made it to Yuki sooner...if only he'd been able to help his lover.

It hurt.

"I'm sorry, Hiro, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too, Shuichi, that I don't know how to help you through this. I can't just replaced Yuki...I..." Hiro felt Shuichi slightly pull away. "Ayaka's pregnant, I can't leave her..."

Shuichi managed a sad smile. "...I'll never love anyone but Yuki."

0

Four more months passed, with spring giving way to summer, and with Shuichi's heart slowly mending.

Enough that he felt able to sing again. Or rather he felt the need to sing. There had to be something to give his life meaning since Yuki no longer did.

"Are you sure about this concert, Shindou-san? You can take a longer break if needed." Fujisaki offered, though he knew full well Seguchi's growing impatience with the pink haired singer.

"Yes." Shuichi answered, his voice barely audible. He stepped onto the stairs leading to the stage. "Besides, it's too late to cancel this concert."

Fujisaki sighed and glanced at Hiro. The guitarist simply stared sadly at the keyboardist and ascended the stairs behind Shuichi.

Fujisaki followed after a moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**Tourniquet**

**Chapter 3**

Tohma sat back on his recliner and gulped down his drink, his hand shaking. He immediately poured another from Bourbon bottle on the coffee table beside him. He quickly downed that one as well, before allowing the glass to fall from his grip.

"Eiri..." He closed his eyes. The image of the blond author was vivid behind his eyelids, watching him. Tohma shivered and massaged his forehead, the edges of his eyes moist. "Eiri..."

The rest of the apartment was quiet, except for the faint echo of his word. That name. It tore deep into his subconscious, slicing into the still festering wound that graced him every morning. There was no denying things. His brother-in-law was dead, a suicide.

The tears slid down his cheeks.

The apartment remained silent, empty, around him.

0

Shuichi awoke on the dressing room's couch, his bubblegum pink hair splayed around him. He hadn't allowed it to be cut in months, nor styled. Washing and brushing it was all it needed - everything else was too much work. Just like continuing to live.

"I wonder how long I can get it to grow?" He mumbled, holding up a strand of his hair. It reached his shoulders now, making him look even more feminine. Though that wasn't the purpose of letting it grow out. Measuring its growth each day simply allowed him to live that much longer.

That was why Hiro and Fujisaki didn't mind the change.

Anything to keep Shuichi's desire to live going.

"I bet I'd really look like a school girl if I wore a girl school uniform." He chuckled, then stared at the overhead flourescent light. The pale yellow glow seemed to suck him in, and he felt calm - numb. Like he didn't want to move.

It was the same color as Yuki's hair.

He brought his arms over his face, blocking out the sight. He couldn't stand being reminded of his lover now.

_'Damn you, Yuki. If you were going to do that, you should've...why didn't you think of me when you...' _He thought, holding back the sob that threatened to escape his thought. '_Damn it. Why? WHY?!'_

He turned over and hid his face in the couch cushion. Fists and teeth clenched. The warmth of his breath and the shadows welcoming him were preferable to the coldness and light above the couch.

"...I hate you." He coughed into the cushion, tears streaming from his eyes. "I hate you."

He shuddered, wrapping his arms around his face while remaining face down on the couch.

"Shu?" Hiro entered the room, freezing for a second at the sight of his best friend trembling. "Shuichi!" He rushed to the pink-haired singer's side, and placed his hand on Shuichi's shoulder. The gesture meant to comfort.

"..." Shuichi slowly lifted his face, breathing haltingly as he did so. "Why...why...tell me why, Hiro."

"...Shu...I..."

"Why did he leave me here to deal with this shit?!" Shuichi glared at his best friend, his face drenched with tears.

"...is this about the after-concert interview...?" Hiro asked, trying to remain calm though he trembled internally at the sudden shift in the vocalist's mood. During the concert and immediately afterwards, Shuichi had been the old Shuichi. No longer held down by grief as the music surrounded him.

Shuichi nearly growled in response. "Why do they have to keep bringing it up? How long do I have to keep being reminded?! Why?!"

The vocalist immediately clung to his best friend, trembling from a mix of sorrow and anger.

"Why can't I just forget about Yuki? It hurts too much. Too damn much to be reminded of him." Shuichi squeezed Hiro, unable to let go. "...the media keeps asking if I'd noticed anything, if I had any clue that Yuki would...would..."

"Shu, it's okay. It'll be all right."

"No, why can't I even sing without it being marred by...by that...bastard."

"Shu..?" Hiro blinked, the anger in his friend's voice a surprise. Eight months had passed, filled with grief and tears and a constant fear for Shuichi. This rage was new.

"Why must I be reminded of _him_ everywhere I go? He left...he left and there's no way he can come back. He's dead. Dead. Can't the media just leave shit alone?!" Shuichi clung to Hiro, his voice getting louder with each sentence.

"I...I'll have a talk with K." Hiro rubbed his Shuichi's back. "Tell him that any questions not pertaining to music are off limits for future interviews."

"...I hate Yuki." Shuichi mumbled against Hiro's chest. "I hate him."

"What?" Hiro's eyes widened, and he stared down at his friend's tear-streaked face.

"I hate him. He knew how much I loved him, yet he...he left. He chose to...throw it all away. Hiro..." Shuichi looked up at his guirtarist. "...it isn't wrong of me to hate him for that? Is it?"

"No." Hiro sighed and pulled his friend closer. "It's understandable."

0

"Here. Deal with this." Mika thrust a handful of papers at Tatsuha, before returning to the office desk. Her sharp glare preventing her youngest brother from refusing the papers.

"Sis..." Tatsuha glanced at the top paper, then back at his sister. "Still no word when Seguchi-san's going to come back?"

"..." Mika glared at Tatsuha. She struggled to hold back her tears, as well as the frustrated retort growing in her throat. "...he moved out. And only calls once every two weeks..."

"Wha?!" Tatsuha's eyes widened. "But just last week you told dad things were fine!"

"I didn't want to worry him." Mika replied, and sat down in the cushioned office chair. Her husband's office at NG Studios. "It's not like we're getting a divorce."

"That...but you just gave birth three months ago! What is Seguchi-san thinking?! He could at least come to work!"

"Tatsuha..."

"Sis, I know how painful it is, that aniki...is gone. It's..." Tatsuha faltered, then sighed. "You shouldn't have to do Seguchi-san's work...you should be home with your baby. I..."

"...I have K looking to replace Tohma until Tohma's able to return to work." Mika glanced down at the desk. "In the meantime I need to keep on top of things. Even if it means leaving Eijiro at home with the babysitter."

"Sis..." Tatsuha watched Mika's sad expression. It made him feel a pang of guilt. "I...me and Ryu can watch Eiji-chan starting tomorrow."

Mika smiled softly at her brother. "You and Sakuma-san have really hit it off lately. Ever since Eiri's wake..."

The two of them flinched, remembering.

That day had been difficult, more so than the day they'd heard the news about their brother. Mika, her pregnancy starting to show, had sat next to Tohma waiting for the line of mourners to shrink. Her eyes and nose red from crying.

Tatsuha barely managed to stay twenty minutes, and instead had left to go bar hopping. Every cell in his brain craving to be drowned in alcohol. He hadn't even reached the first bar, however, before K tracked him. With him was Sakuma-san.

In that moment, needing some form of escape from reality, Tatsuha had lunged at his idol. Clinging to the older man without hesitation, and without an ulterior motive. He just needed to be comforted.

"Tatsuha." Mika spoke, pulling her brother out of his memories. "I'll like it if you can bring Eijiro in to visit during lunchtime tomorrow."

"Ah.." Tatsuha blinked, then replied with a smile. "Okay! That's the plan then."

Mika smiled at her brother as he left the room, then promptly lay her head down on the desk once she was alone in the room.

* * *

A/N: I hope you liked this chapter!


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